Fiona's Bargain with God

Taken from Sharman Macdonald's contemporary play *When I Was a Girl, I Used to Scream and Shout*, this monologue captures a moment of intense youthful panic. Fiona addresses God directly, frantically trying to negotiate her way out of an unwanted pregnancy following a sexual encounter with Ewan. Running around two minutes, the piece effortlessly blends coming-of-age anxiety with an urgent, darkly comedic desperation as she tallies the potential fallout.

Fiona is a young woman caught on the terrifying threshold between girlhood and adult consequence. Her anxiety drives her to rationalize chaotic circumstances, attempting to calculate the collateral damage an unplanned pregnancy would inflict on her mother, her mother's partner, Ewan, and her own future. Beneath her rapid-fire bargaining lies profound vulnerability, teenage self-consciousness, and a desperate yearning for absolution.

This piece offers performers an exceptional platform to demonstrate tonal agility by balancing high-stakes dramatic dread with sharp, character-driven comedy. Because Fiona is actively trying to persuade a silent, higher power, her objective is crystal clear and carries immediate theatrical momentum. Casting directors and audition panels see an actor capable of sustaining continuous thought, navigating rapid emotional pivots, and maintaining grounded realism without collapsing into melodrama.

This monologue is an ideal selection for performers aged eighteen to twenty-five seeking standout contemporary material for drama school auditions, agent showcases, or general practice. It serves actors who fit student, ingenue, and vulnerable dramatic casting categories. Performers who can authentically deliver Scottish material and wish to explore complex coming-of-age themes will find this speech uniquely effective.

Treat this monologue as a genuine, high-stakes negotiation rather than a quiet prayer. Position your listener concretely in the space, taking in God's perceived silences and using them to fuel your next escalating argument. Avoid playing for intentional laughs, as the humor naturally lands when you fully commit to Fiona's sincere terror and spiraling logic. Keep your physical life grounded so her vocal urgency carries the full weight of the scene.