A desperate, humorous, self-deprecating Unnamed Female Character's monologue from "Goodbye Charles" by Gabriel Davis.
Don’t do it! Don’t open that little box one more crack! Don’t ask me to marry you. Don’t say another word.
Before I met you I used be a raging jerk. Those people I introduced as my friends. They're not my friends. They're scared of me.
But since being with you, I’ve begun to feel warm inside. Fuzzy. I have urges to donate to charities. To help out in soup…
You…
Format: Monologue · Genre: comedic · Source: Goodbye Charles · Author: Gabriel Davis · Characters: Unnamed Female Character
This short, comedic monologue, "It's Terrible Being Nice," features an unnamed female character in a moment of hilariously desperate self-reflection. She finds herself on the verge of a life-changing proposal and is grappling with the unexpected and, to her, horrifying side effect of her relationship: becoming a nicer person. The scene’s quick pace and unexpected turn of events offer a fantastic opportunity for an actor to showcase their comedic timing and ability to portray internal conflict.
The Unnamed Female Character is wrestling with a profound shift in her personality, from what she describes as a "raging jerk" to someone with "urges to donate to charities" and "help out in soup kitchens." This internal struggle is the comedic core of the piece. She is self-aware enough to recognize the change but also deeply uncomfortable with it, seeing niceness as a terrible affliction rather than a virtue. She is vulnerable in her desperation to maintain her original, more abrasive self, and her self-deprecating humor adds another layer to her complex, relatable persona.
"It's Terrible Being Nice" is an excellent audition piece due to its brevity, clear comedic arc, and strong character voice. Its less-than-one-minute duration makes it ideal for quick cold reads or as one of several contrasting pieces. The immediate, high-stakes opening and the character's unique perspective provide an instant hook for casting directors, allowing an actor to make a memorable impression very quickly. This monologue offers a fantastic opportunity to demonstrate both comedic sensibilities and the ability to play a character with internal conflict.
This monologue is perfectly suited for actresses looking to highlight their comedic chops and their ability to portray quirky, vulnerable, or self-deprecating characters. It aligns well with casting calls for Leading Lady roles that require a strong, idiosyncratic personality, as well as Character Actor types who can lean into the humor of an unconventional perspective. Its contemporary period and universal themes of relationship dynamics and personal change make it versatile for a wide range of casting scenarios.
When performing this monologue, lean into the character’s desperation and the humorous irony of her situation. The key is to genuinely inhabit her distress over becoming "nice," rather than simply playing the comedy. Use vocal shifts and physical gestures to illustrate her internal battle, perhaps starting with a panicked urgency and building to a sense of almost pleading. Embrace the self-deprecating tone, allowing her vulnerability to shine through her comedic lamentations about developing a kinder disposition.