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    Comedy-Drama

    Linda and James on the Dark Web

    from If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

    Written by Mary Bronstein

    If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

    While browsing the dark web for drugs in a hotel room, Linda's anxiety about her parenting and safety peaks when she is locked out of her room.

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    Scene PreviewExcerpt — subscribe to read full scene

    LINDA

    But isn’t the dark web where you like do stuff like...buy people?

    JAMES

    I’ve never bought a person. Wouldn’t know.

    LINDA

    But...you could? Or sell them?

    JAMES

    I guess you could. But I don’t want to so I never thought about it.

    LINDA

    Yeah but doesn’t it bother you that you could click a couple things and buy a person or something? Doesn’t that…

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    Scene Notes & Audition Tips

    5 sections
    About This Scene

    Written by Mary Bronstein for the contemporary comedy-drama film If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, this intense scene unfolds late at night inside an extended stay hotel room. As Linda and James browse an illicit dark web marketplace on a laptop, the ambient hum of a baby monitor underscores an unraveling psychological crisis. What begins as a secretive mission to buy substances quickly turns into an escalating spiral of paranoia regarding safety, morality, and parenting responsibilities.

    Character Analysis

    Linda presents as a deeply vulnerable and restless figure whose inner anxieties project outward into catastrophic thinking about the dark web and parental failure. Her morbid fixation on danger exposes a profound fear of losing control over her environment and moral compass. James, on the other hand, operates as an anti-hero who uses a detached, pragmatic facade to deflect discomfort and rationalize his own questionable choices.

    Why This Works for Auditions

    This material provides actors with a compelling balance of conversational naturalism, biting dark comedy, and creeping dread. Casting directors get an immediate look at how effectively performers can manage active listening and heavy subtext while handling deeply flawed, authentic characters. It allows actors to portray relatable, working-class vulnerability without softening the edgy, uncomfortable nature of the situation.

    Best Suited For

    Targeted at actors between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-five, this scene is exceptionally well suited for self-tapes, agent showcases, and intensive classroom practice. It fits casting types spanning the Quirky Everyman, Working Class Anti-Hero, and emotionally raw lead looking for grounded, character-driven contemporary material. Performers who excel at conveying complex neuroses and uncomfortable truths will find strong opportunities here.

    Performance Tips

    Ground the interaction in the physical reality of late-night exhaustion and the quiet paranoia of an unfamiliar hotel room. Avoid playing the dark humor for deliberate laughs; allow the comedy to arise organically from genuine panic and defensive rationalization. Keep your listening active and responsive throughout, allowing the awkward silences between thoughts to carry as much emotional weight as the spoken dialogue.

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