Assholes Unite

Written by Josh Heald, Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg, and Bob Dearden, this contemporary comedy-drama monologue comes from the Emmy-winning television series Cobra Kai. Demetri addresses his fellow karate students, delivering a blunt, impassioned, and awkward speech about the necessity of merging rival dojos to confront a shared threat. Running approximately two minutes, the piece balances fast-paced humor with earnest teenage stakes, giving the actor a dynamic narrative arc within a short timeframe.

Demetri is a sixteen-to-seventeen-year-old outsider whose analytical mind and neurotic tendencies often position him as the group comic relief. While he typically takes pride in using expansive, intellectual language to insulate himself from physical conflict, the mounting pressure of the dojo rivalry pushes him out of his shell. Underneath his self-conscious defense mechanisms lies a young man who desperately wants to belong and who possesses an unexpected moral clarity when his peers lose perspective.

This piece works exceptionally well in an audition setting because it demonstrates strong comedic timing alongside authentic vulnerability. Demetri transitions rapidly through distinct beats: an impulsive demand for attention, blunt direct address to individual peers, self-deprecating honesty, and sheepish embarrassment. Casting panels appreciate seeing a performer handle comedy rooted in genuine character stakes rather than surface-level punchlines.

This contemporary monologue is best suited for teenage male actors who fit the nerd, quirky outsider, or comic relief casting types. It serves as an excellent vehicle for drama school auditions, general practice, and self-tape submissions where evaluators are looking for verbal agility and youthful energy. Performers capable of balancing deadpan humor with sincere urgency will find this material particularly rewarding.

Ground Demetri's frustration in real stakes so the comedy emerges naturally from his desperation rather than broad exaggeration. Let the opening outburst visibly startle Demetri himself before you commit to commanding the room. Mark the specific transitions where you address different peers, and relish the final shift back into awkward self-awareness when Demetri realizes how out of character his language has become.