Relationships are Vampires

Written by Bradley Cooper, Will Arnett, and Mark Chappell, this contemporary comedy-drama monologue comes from the film Is This Thing On?. Lasting approximately one minute, the scene captures an intense, cynical rant where Alex uses an extended metaphor comparing romantic partners to life-draining vampires. Alex vents his bitter perspective on love directly to an audience or listener, mixing dark humor with raw, unfiltered emotional frustration.

Alex is a gritty, intense character who fits neatly into the outsider or anti-hero archetype while retaining relatable Everyman qualities. Driven by bitter disillusionment, likely following a devastating breakup, he projects his personal distress onto the entire concept of romantic connection. Beneath the profanity-laden tirade lies a wounded individual who feels genuinely exhausted and terrified of becoming emotionally hollowed out.

Clocking in at around one minute, this monologue provides a concise showcase for casting directors who need to gauge emotional commitment quickly. It presents a dynamic blend of comedy and drama, allowing actors to hit dark comedic beats while sustaining genuine dramatic stakes. The piece tests your ability to take a theatrical, exaggerated metaphor and deliver it with gritty realism and authentic conviction.

This monologue is ideally tailored for male actors aged twenty-five to thirty-five, though the character can comfortably fit performers from their twenties into their forties. It serves as exceptional material for self-tapes, agent showcases, and general audition practice. Actors submitting for gritty Everyman roles or complex, flawed anti-heroes will discover a natural vehicle to display their presence.

Resist the urge to play the speech as one continuous, loud shout; find the rhythm and allow the intensity to escalate naturally. Root the vampire metaphor in personal pain so the cynicism stems from real emotional stakes rather than mere anger. Pay attention to the comedic beats by letting the absurdity contrast sharply with your dead-serious commitment to the truth of the situation.