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monologue
Comedy-Drama

Fiona's Bargain with God

from When I Was a Girl, I Used to Scream and Shout

Written by Sharman Macdonald

Fiona desperately bargains with God to avoid an unwanted pregnancy after a sexual encounter with Ewan. She lists the potential collateral damage to her family and her future while recounting a recent good deed as leverage.

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FIONA

Listen, will you. If I'm pregnant it'll ruin four people's lives. Five. Right? My Mum'll be disappointed and her man'll walk out on her. That's two. Are you with me, God? I'll not be very happy. My mother'll hate me for the rest of my life for what I've done and that's not easy to live with. That's three. I'm still counting, God.

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Scene Notes & Audition Tips

5 sections
About This Scene

This monologue, titled "Fiona's Bargain with God," is a compelling contemporary piece from Sharman Macdonald's play, *When I Was a Girl, I Used to Scream and Shout*. It captures Fiona in a moment of intense vulnerability and anxiety, desperately negotiating with a higher power to avert an unwanted pregnancy. The scene masterfully blends comedy-drama, showcasing Fiona's youthful, slightly naive perspective as she attempts to logically outline the devastating ripple effects of her predicament on her family and future.

Character Analysis

Fiona is portrayed as an 18-25 year old woman grappling with a significant personal crisis. Her character embodies the "Ingenue" and "Vulnerable" casting types, demonstrating a youthful earnestness mixed with a touch of dramatic flair. Despite her fear and anxiety surrounding a potential pregnancy, she exhibits a shrewd, almost transactional approach to her spiritual plea, highlighting a coming-of-age struggle to control her own destiny amidst overwhelming circumstances. Her internal monologue reveals a vivid imagination and a strong sense of responsibility, even as she tries to externalize blame and leverage past good deeds.

Why This Works for Auditions

"Fiona's Bargain with God" is an excellent audition piece due to its immediate conflict and clear arc of desperation. The monologue allows an actor to showcase a wide emotional range, transitioning between fear, anxiety, bargaining, and a touch of dark humor. Its contemporary setting and relatable themes of personal responsibility, family dynamics, and the pressure of unexpected life events make it highly accessible and impactful, offering a strong demonstration of an actor's ability to create a nuanced, vulnerable performance in just two minutes.

Best Suited For

This monologue is particularly well-suited for actors aiming for drama school auditions, agent showcases, or general practice to refine their craft. Its duration of two minutes is ideal for most audition settings, providing enough time to make a strong impression without overstaying. It’s perfect for actors within the 18-25 age range who can embody the "Ingenue," "Vulnerable," or "Dramatic" casting types, especially those who can navigate the specific blend of comedy and intense emotion.

Performance Tips

When approaching this monologue, focus on Fiona's escalating anxiety and the genuine stakes of her situation. Emphasize her internal thought process as she lists the consequences, allowing the audience to see her mind racing and calculating. While the "bargain" aspect can be played for a touch of dark humor, ensure the underlying fear remains palpable, grounding her desperation in reality. Pay attention to the rhythm of her speech, as her thoughts tumble out, sometimes interrupting themselves, which can reveal her frantic state.

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