FIONA: Listen, will you. If I'm pregnant it'll ruin four people's lives. Five. Right? My Mum'll be disappointed and her man'll walk out on her. That's two. Are you with me, God? I'll not be very happy. My mother'll hate me for the rest of my life for what I've done and that's not easy to live with. That's three. I'm still counting, God.
Fiona's Bargain with God — When I Was a Girl, I Used to Scream and Shout
Fiona desperately bargains with God to avoid an unwanted pregnancy after a sexual encounter with Ewan. She lists the potential collateral damage to her family and her future while recounting a recent good deed as leverage.
Format: Monologue · Genre: Comedy-Drama · Source: When I Was a Girl, I Used to Scream and Shout · Author: Sharman Macdonald · Characters: Fiona
About This Scene
This monologue, "Fiona's Bargain with God," offers a compelling deep dive into the mind of a young woman grappling with intense anxiety and an unforeseen life-altering situation. Fiona, in a raw and vulnerable state, desperately attempts to negotiate with a higher power to avoid the perceived catastrophe of an unwanted pregnancy. It's a short, impactful piece that perfectly blends humor with deeply personal stakes, showcasing a character in a moment of existential crisis.
Character Analysis
Fiona is a young woman caught in the terrifying limbo between youthful impulsivity and the daunting responsibilities of adulthood. She is clearly intelligent, demonstrated by her calculated and almost legalistic approach to bargaining with God, yet deeply insecure and fearful of disappointing her mother and derailing her own future. Her vulnerability is palpable, stemming from a situation she feels she cannot control, while her dramatic casting type is underscored by the high emotional stakes she perceives in her predicament. The ingenue aspects of her character emerge from her youthful naivety and her attempts to navigate a complex adult situation.
Why This Works for Auditions
"Fiona's Bargain with God" is an exceptional choice for auditions due to its compact duration and rich emotional landscape. The monologue allows actors to showcase a wide range of emotions – from fear and desperation to a touch of youthful humor and underlying anxiety – within a short timeframe. Its contemporary setting and relatable themes of coming-of-age, responsibility, and the fear of the unknown make it resonate strongly, giving the performer ample opportunity to demonstrate both comedic timing and dramatic depth.
Best Suited For
This monologue is particularly well-suited for female actors within the 18-25 age range, especially those aiming for drama school auditions, agent showcases, or general practice to hone their craft. It is ideal for performers who can convincingly portray a blend of vulnerability, sharp wit, and underlying dramatic tension. Actors comfortable with characters who carry a weight of internal conflict and who can convey both humor and palpable anxiety will find this piece to be a strong showcase for their abilities.
Performance Tips
When approaching Fiona's monologue, focus on the underlying anxiety that fuels her desperate plea. Her "bargain" is a coping mechanism for an overwhelming situation, so allow that fear to drive her logic and her increasingly frantic enumeration of consequences. Pay close attention to the shifts in her tone; while there's humor in her direct address to God, it's rooted in genuine panic. Embrace the Scottish rhythm of the text and allow her conversational, almost pleading, delivery to build in intensity as she lists the potential collateral damage of her predicament.